Philosophy, University of California, Santa Cruz.
Philosophy, University of California, Santa Cruz.
I don’t think this is the best place to share my feelings, but I needed an empty vessel. And here it will fall in the vortex of the internet, never to be read. Which is amazing. The internet is a faceless stranger and does not react to these things. I wish not to share it with the world, just to write it down, somewhere.
This isn’t my year in review. It’s my understanding of all the mistakes I’ve made.
For the last eight months or so I’ve been slowly falling apart, or so I feel. And yes, I understand how ridiculously depressing that sounds, but I’m not depressed at all, far from it.
I like to think of myself as someone with a lot of drive to do things, to create, to help, to see things happen. That is in fact what drives me, projects that I love, and these can be anything, they could be my theatre group, they could be my writing, my family, my friendships, my relationships, my college course, my movie projects, my design projects… Anything at all.
But sometime in the last eight months something went wrong, I don’t know what it is, but something did do terribly wrong. My priorities shifted and now I feel like I’ve lost my ground.
College isn’t going that well.
Never have I felt such little motivation as I do now. I hate everything about it, I can’t stand the feeling that I’m not actually learning anything anymore. I’m not trying to say I know everything I need to know about movie making, far from it, but somehow I feel like this degree has nothing more to offer me… I can’t seem to focus on anything related to any one of the six assignments I still have to finish, and I although every time I think about it I panic and have an anxiety attack (which have been increasingly frequent, to the point I of me passing out from lack of air at least once a week), I really don’t care. This has always been my biggest commitment issue, I cannot pretend to care about things and I cannot focus on something I don’t love - this will probably bring me bigger problems as time goes by.
Anyways, I will probably flunk this year and feel like shit about it. I do not want to flunk but I feel like I need some support, just to survive this, and I have none.
My friendships have gone to ruin.
I love all of my friends and will always love them, but the fact that every one I care about is just slowly disappearing scares me. I’m probably the one driving them away, but it still confuses and scares me, a lot.
I believe every friendship and relationship is a project of its own. A project that, if I love, I commit myself to, a lot. But as anyone with a ton of projects, I must have priorities, and this is probably were I go wrong every time. My priorities are the one that I think may have a bigger return - if I feel that giving my friendship and love and care to someone will bring me all these things in return I can be the most amazing of friends. This may be an extremely cold and scientific way of seeing things, but I won’t hide that in the end it’s how I do it. Now this takes me to my big dilemma, all the friendships I feel I committed to have had no return, or most of them had, but then it stopped. And there is one in particular that makes me fall asleep every night thinking ‘what the hell am I doing with my life?’, which takes me to my next point-
My relationships are a mess.
In the last year I ended a apparently perfect relationship. I had the perfect guy, we were the perfect couple, everyone loved him with me. But I realized that what I felt for him wasn’t exactly love, not in a romantic way. I tend to fall in love with all of my best friends - which is very, very problematic, but I do control it - and after two years of being in a committed relationship I realized he was my best friend, and only that. I still loved to hug him, and talk to him for hours, but I stopped wanting to be intimate with him - intimacy is yet another big problem for me. This hurt him, as expected, we grew further and further apart, I ended up looking for other people to spend my time with and we broke up. This broke me. I’ve never hurt anyone as much as I did him, but it would only end up worse if I hadn’t. He didn’t want to talk to me anymore. I understand why-
And with this I felt like I needed to compensate for my loneliness and ended up with what I have now. Right now I’m in the most unhealthy relationship ever, which isn’t even a relationship, and I finally found out what it is to spend your time with someone you hate to love, and doesn’t love you back. I am extremely submissive when it comes to these things, I do everything in the world for the people I truly love and sometimes, when I love the wrong person, I get nothing in return, but consciously keep on giving. This is not healthy and I advise any one who thinks friendships with benefits are fun to never enter one. It’s been like a drug, I hate it and love it. It makes me sad as hell sometimes but the happy moments over shine those dark ones.
The time I’ve spent showing this person how much I care made me lose a lot of things, including other people, but I’m not yet sure if I regret it. I probably will, in time.
I still have a million things to write about this, but time is fleeting and this really isn’t anything that interesting. None of this is, probably. I’m sorry.
My family is insane.
The worst thing to top all of this, is not having a safe haven. Everyone deserves a place they call home, where one can be alone but still not feel lonely. I never really had anything like that.
I love my family, but it’s insane. I love my mother but the psychologic abuse I’ve had from her makes me uneasy around her. The slaps I get don’t even matter that much. It’s the emotional manipulation that gets me, and my siblings.
I love my little sister and brother, but it pains me to watch them grow in such a horrible place. To watch my brother shiver with fear anytime my mother looks at him wrong makes me want to burn this horrible place down. To watch my wonderful little sister, who has some mental handicaps, being called a retard, by my own mother kills me inside, to watch that lovely girl cry is hell.
They deserve all the love in the world and I wish I could give it to them. But what I have is not enough, I’m too selfish to spend most of my time here, protecting them, I rather stay away from home. I wish I could take them with me sometimes.
In summary all the decisions I take are terrible, therefore I must be an awful person. And I really am sorry for writing all of this down here. I hope no one wastes too much time reading it, but I had to vent out somewhere…
Hey, at least the year is about to end, we can all start over, or try to. Maybe 2014 will be better. It will, if I allow it.
Gee, I wish we had one of them doomsday machines!
Hey, how come we never talk about Charles Addams?
I barely ever see compilations of his work for sale.
I barely ever see his cartoons being blogged.
His tumblr tag is sparse as hell.
So many people have no idea that the Addams Family began as recurring characters in what was basically "The Far Side" of the 1940’s and 50’s.
He invented the Addams Family and he barely gets any credit.
And seventy years later his jokes feel as fresh and sharp as ever.
The eyes of Vincent van Gogh:Self Portraits, 1886 - 1889.